Welcome to Hollydale

 click PLAY, then read, tell friends, YHEEHAAA


One thing I hear all the time here at my blog, "Where is Hollydale and what is it like??"
I decided to profile the people and social elements contained here in my home town. I guess it's a lot like any other place, except for being full of crazy folks. I seem to fit right in.

Hugh Heftnera is known as the "Captain" at the Berkshare Retirement Home. He is the hottest bachelor in the community, and still can dance for more than 5 minutes. Nurses hate him, Berkshare resident women want him!


Barry Obanater is a council member and gives speeches in the park every Saturday afternoon. He once told me that all the police in Hollydale are all Jewish.


Gwen Palterini runs the photography studio in town. She always ties to put me in front of the blue background canvass ... I think it's because I spilled a malt on her Gloria Vanderbilt jeans in 1985. They were nice, in retrospect.


Nicki Richmond is the town gossip .... always spreading rumors and shows up at Tupperware parties un-invited. She works at the Wendy's drive thru, and passes out her number inside the hamberger bags. (OK - I called her once) We crashed the Olgen Twins party and Frenched in the driveway.


Claven Akens is a teacher that stays late after class and preforms for an audience that is not there. He claims to have the hottest burlesque show West of Madison Wisconsin. The whole town is afraid of him.


The Olsen twins are dynamos! They operate two clothing stores and the Orange Julius. Legend has it that Katie can down 76 oz. of "Julius" in 5 seconds. Some people think they are aliens ... including me. I could never tell them apart untill last year, when "One of them" turned goth. Freaky!!!


Micky Dougman runs the local car lot, and married his brothers daughter. Folks are not to hip with this marriage, but who wants to ruin a deal on a Buick? He sold me a Yugo last week for 65 easy payments ... not a bad guy really, bur he's always looking in the mirror fixing his hair.


You may recognize this fellow - YEP! It's me, Speedcat Hollydale. I work at the Bushes Chicken restaurant on main street. Back when I was having "Wordless Chicken Tuesday" on my blog, the manager let me advertise on the lighted outdoor sign. (The 50c tea was my idea too) I plan to manage the place by 2009. When I do, chicken wings will be free Tuesday nights. A man can dream, right?


Oraca Winsted is the greatest wash and set girl in the entire county. Fast?? She works on two heads at once. Some claim that she completed 178 hairdoos one Friday afternoon. She is like a celebrity here in Hollydale, and sells books. (crappy ones)


Ahhh yes, nurse Paula Hiltenger. She has ruined more marriages than a bad case of sleep apnea! Everyone avoids her, but by some crazy twist of time and space all the local men go hog wild when she walks in to the Hollydale Tavern. I suppose, when you dance on the bar for vodka gimlets ... that will happen. One time during a physical for the DOT, she tried to stick a rectal thermometer in my rear ...(BUM). I now go to Fentonship City for any medical work. (yah yah ... I bought her a gimlet once, but I'm not proud of THAT)


Madelin has no last name, and nobody really knows where she came from. She sings all day in her apartment, and then goes outside to talk to the bushes. I think she is an alien too.


Last but not least, the Simpsenz are the new bankers in town. They hold the note on my 65 easy payment for the car I bought from Micki Dougman. I think they plan on repossessing it!! I always park in the back lot of the Kwik Mart behind the dumpster. I don't like them much, and think they both wear to much eye liner.

There is ONE MORE character from Hollydale here: Shazam! A Man's Cream For A Man's Face!

Learn Something New

Who is to blame for the financial crisis and bailout money needed? Watch this and then leave me your answer. America, wake UP!!!!!!!!

Update

My new product is now on the market, and I am very excited about the ramifications in the medical industry. Read about the New Surgical Pump from Dr. Shoal! by following the link.

Bellicose Crock Pots Indigenous to my Ugly Lawn

I had planned on getting the lawn cut today, but I decided that using my power mower would melt the polar ice caps and turn my yard into a lake.

" Logic seemed to dictate that an ugly yard is the better choice "

Of course, my neighbors keep on belly-aching, but I don't really like any of them anyway. I hit golf balls at their roofs on occasion ... after dark with my night vision goggles on. I love night vision goggles!

I brought this bush inside because it seemed to go well with my pants. What do you think? I plan on wearing this bad boy all over town. Velcro fasteners make placement and adjustments quite simple.

Whoaaa! The doorbell is ringing now .... who the *$%#@!! would be knocking this early? Must be one of those damn kids trying to sell me candy again. 5 dollars for something to make my belly thicker?!?? {Cripes!}


Well, what a nice surprise! It's "Gertal Gertle" ... strange name I know, but she is the greatest crock pot cooker of all times. She is here because of the Romantic Dinner with Myself posts that I had published last week. With 225 comments, I was not really alone.
Hooo wee!!!! Look at her go. She just climbs into the kitchen and gets busy. Today we are making chicken stew (ok, I'm just watching) She is very bellicose - I must say.
I think I might be falling in love??? She is very charming, and smells like gravy. I love me a woman that smells like gravy. Perfume makes me sneeze.


Just as it was time to serve up Gertal's masterpiece .... SHE TURNED INTO A MONKEY. No, I am still clean and sober, and am not having hallucinations. Here is a photo to prove it.
I said, "Is that really you in there??" .... she nodded yes, and said she wanted to watch the debate between McCain and Obama. We agreed that Obama is a good speaker, but that's about it. McCain looked 20 years younger, and had a lot of make up on.

ps ... this is my 1000th post here on the Speedcat Hollydale Page. There are well over 200 on my other blogs, and more than 50 on multi-author blogs that have invited me over to participate. Thank you everyone for all the comments during the past few years, and for making this blog so much fun.

35W bridge in Minneapolis

I have not posted much recently ... I've been busy and "POOPED OUT"!!
These are some photos from the road. The first four are taken while driving over the new 35W bridge in Minneapolis. It opened just this week after being re-built. You may remember the news of the old bridges collapse last summer.








... a few more pictures from the city. I am in Minneapolis about twice a month.

Things I would like to CUT in Half with my Chainsaw

This chair is too big, and I don't like it .... chop it in two.

A TV like this one gives me a headache. Fire up the chainsaw!

Bad fuel mileage and too much bling bling. I would rip this to shreds with my McCulloch.

A bed this massive is for idiots, and an eye sore made of pressboard. This calls for my 38 inch Stihl Tree Crusher with dual cutting blade tips.

This is my 998th post .... 2 more on my way to 1000!

Lunch & New Friends

I stopped at a small BBQ stand today for lunch, and was hoping for the best ribs in the world. What I found was horror.
There were 3 women standing in line ahead of me, all with tattoos and lots of piercings. What started as a mild altercation of heated words, quickly became a wild brew ha haa .... to put it lightly.
Lady "A" called lady "B" a princess, and then hitting, and then fire. Lady "C" just fueled the flames.
While the swinging and kicking ensued, a bystander injected himself into the mix. Yes, it was me. While I know that this was not a good idea, something just pulled my body right between the violence. As I attempted to reason with these scorned women, the area of attention was suddenly, and wrongly I might add, diverted. All three ... A,B,and C focused their goals on pounding me to a cinder. First, I was knocked to the ground, and then I felt my hair being pulled. Next thing I know, I am being thrown right into the front opening of the BBQ stand.

My forward momentum knocked the grill from its location. First smoke, then a blazing inferno. Everyone stood in the lot and watched her go down.
I started to laugh, and then so did everyone else. Even the BBQ stand owner said it was his last day, and that he wanted to go home early.

I received some apologies. I accepted them.

Reservations? Only about posting this story. I ended up eating at a Italian place down the road with everyone I had just met, and left the check with the 3 women.

True or .... NOT?

TMZpeedcat Hollydale Star News

Seems like Heidi Montag just cannot stop helping herself to costume jewelry at the local Hollydale Target Superstore. Her accomplice, Brac Pittanbule, has been the source of distraction with the young sales women.
An eye witness from the Speedcat Gazette reported ...

"As Brac signed autographs and liberally handed out free kisses like some sort of mono merchant, Heidi opened up the jewelry case and helped herself "

Target security could not be contacted for a statement, but in a short E mail they informed TMZpeedcat that most of their stuff is junk, so an investigation would not be financially expediant.

Brac was quoted to have said, "That chick is whack .... but I think that's the attraction .... besides, look how hot she looks wearing the earings"



Pamela Anderson » Pamela has hired the red head from "Married with Children" fame, KATEY SAGAL to control her life with a small remote control wand. She claims that without the constant guidance of a Rock Star telling her what to do, that things just get so confusing.
Pam says that Segal's character was so good at bossing "AL" around, that this idea might be just crazy enough to work.
Hollydale residents have lovingly coined the name "Remote Control Lady" for Anderson's new mentor and manipulator.
Tommy Lee has attempted to foil this new Mannequin puppeteer with his own remote control, but all efforts were overted by taking the batteries out while he was drunk. Pam claims that Tommy is sober and good, but has no real say with RCL at the helm.
The strangest news is that by drinking like a fish herself, Pam is morphing into Aqua-Woman, with working gills.
Hollydale screenwriters are chomping at the bit, and the rumor is that a 10 million dollar contract is in the wings. The proposed film, SWIMFISH PAMMI , could be reality by summer 2009. Whether or not Katie Sagal will be involved is not quite clear.



Mario Lopez secretly wants to be Danny Bonaduce. So much in fact, that he pays his famous friends to call him "Big Danny B".
It all stems from a fantasy life where the "The Partridge Family" (1970) was Lopez` spring board to fame, not the extreme loser show "Saved by the Bell".
Pictured (right) is Mario in Susan Day's jeans from the taping of "Come on Get Happy". They were purchased on eBay for 50,000 US via PayPal.
On his new show, Inside Editionals, Mario paints small freckles on his face, and throws temper tantrums.
He also text messages his "mystery wife" hundreds of times a day, even though she left him a year ago. (according to him)

Boneduce says Mario is weak, and wants to hold a full contact cage fight on MTV: Celebrity Deathmatch.


This post is entirely untrue, and a cheep rip off from Memphis Takes "Big Brother" for a Ride at TMZ

Currently at: "Nurse Amanda Hugankiss 'n stuff"